Truth or Truth...pt2

Last one was rant style. How about this time we go with a list of 10? Topic - Marriage.

1. If you want to stay married, you must lie. Not just the little white lies, but the big lies. In the words of the great street poet Slim Charles, "once you in it...you in it. If its a lie, we fight on that lie, but we gotta fight." Youtube it. The Wire, words to live by. But back to lying, nobody wants to hear the truth or face the truth of "I really hate this mother fucker" "I wish you died in your sleep" "I want to cheat on you 366 days of the year with your best friend' realities. You have those days where you have to fight on that lie.
2. Cheat - Let's face it, the majority of married people don't have sex. If they do, the sex is so wack and expected, its about the same excitement as washing the dishes or cutting the grass. If the spontaneous freakynastiness has left the room, you know right after you say I do, then you need a side piece. Somebody needs to relieve that stress. Blue balls kills. Backs up your prostate. Proven fact. Don't kill yourself.
3. Work more hours - Nothing makes men happier than making money. Real men anyway. Pick up some more hours or a coaching job to make sure your hours at home are limited in every capacity. Besides, might be a good cover for #2.
4. Send your significant other to spend some time with somebody you know relationship is more messed up than yours. I call it the scared straight approach.
5. Don't fall for the banana in the tailpipe. No, this is not some prison joke. When you hear the words, "We need to talk" "What's wrong" "Why don't you talk to me", it is bait for you to tell the truth and speak honestly. Honesty comes with a price. Don't let the innocence in the voice fool you. You still can not say exactly what you want to say and how you want to say it. It has to be crafted in a delicate way for them to understand you. Think about it this way, they already know what is wrong etc. because they know what you cussed them out about or gave them the STFU face. If they didn't understand you the first 7 times you said it, what makes you think yelling at them and calling them names is going to accomplish a different result? It's almost like writing a college thesis. If they don't get it after that, fuck em...they never will understand.
6. Save your money on the side - lawyers are expensive. That's not it. You have to buy simple stuff again like a toaster, pizza plate, new favorite cup, socks after she cut all the toes out of your socks. Just saying.
7. Give a genuine effort. No really. I know stop laughing. But really try to do all the little things that you hate to do. You know like hold hands in public, have a conversation, enjoy a meal without calling the other person a dumb bish, the little things matter. Remember the person's birthday without the help of a facebook popup.
8. STFU - Yes. Shut up. Please shut up. Right now. No more comments. Just leave us along. Everybody needs some me time. Don't bombard us as soon as we come in the house. Unless its on some nasty level at least 20% of the time. Gotta keep us on our toes, can't always be a honey-do list.
9. Give up - you gonna end up like your grandparents that yell at each other 30 yrs from now. Aint nothing wrong with just holding on or hanging in so long that your stock has fell below the break even point. At that point, there is an understanding that neither person likes each other unless in the presence of the kids or white people they don't know.
10. Give up. Pay child support and alimony.